One of my goals for this year has been to be more vulnerable in my relationships and with social media (I can hear Brené Brown saying “share what is vulnerable, not what is intimate” as I filter what to post). Even still, I have been hesitant to share when I am weak. If you ask my husband for a few descriptives of me, he would for sure include “independent” and “strong-willed.” I’m not making any apologies for these qualities. However, it’s also really, really challenging to for me to ask for help. Which usually makes days like today really suck.Yesterday, I had hip surgery for the second time on the same hip. Blah. For a variety of reasons that I’m still trying to understand, I have/had labral tears in my hips which hasn’t been debilitating, but it has prevented me from running long distances and from doing other training with any intensity. Good news is, it sounds like my right hip is on the mend and the tear in my left hip is more minor, so we’ll see what comes of that.
I’m reading a journal/magazine thing a friend lent me on fear. One of the writers talked about how fear is masking reluctance to give up control. Bingo. I’m fearful that if I show my weakness, I will give up the control of what other people think of me (which, in reality, I can’t control anyway). What if people thing I’m a needy friend who just focuses on herself? What if potential clients think I’m physically weak and can’t be on my feet for the 8-10 hours that wedding photography takes?
Last time I had surgery (exactly a year ago today), I only told a handful of people, although the crutches post-surgery made it pretty obvious something was going on. Honestly, I was a bit lonely. This time, we told friends, our church, and obviously our families.
And you know what, people are amazing. I got texts on my surgery day from people who were praying and thinking of me, a facebook note from the mother-of-the-groom of the wedding I just shot, scones on our doorstep the next morning, and numerous offers for meals (pretty excited about those). I have an amazing husband, sister and mom who help me physically stand up because I can’t on my own, put my non-slip socks on, and just hang out and watch hulu so I’m not alone.
I’m realizing if I never let people in to the areas where I am weak, I’m preventing us from connecting with me in deeper ways, whether it be on social media or with people I am physically present with. It has been a great practice in vulnerability so far.
So, if you need me in the next two weeks, I’ll be organizing my pinterest boards, eating some delicious meals, and watching a good amount of Modern Family and Parks and Rec with my feet up. There’s a spot on the couch for you.